It it bad that
EVERY second of EVERY day
I want your hands on me?
Is it bad that
I started crying because
I thought of us going to college in different places?

...I think it's bad that
When I'm standing next to you
I don't think of anything except
Your tongue in my mouth.

Is that bad?
I want it to be.

I CAN'T DO THIS
I CAN'T DO THIS AT ALL.
I HAVE TO STOP
AND I HAVE TO CRY.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS
WHEN I CAN'T
DO ONE
ASSIGNMENT
WITHOUT GETTING OVERWHELMED
AND CRYING BECAUSE
I DON'T WANT TO READ GIANT DOCUMENTS
ABOUT JACKSONIAN DEMOCRACY
BECAUSE I'M TOO TIRED
BUT I PROMISED HER AND I LIED AND SAID
I HAD MOST OF IT DONE BUT I DON'T
I DON'T UNDERSTAND -ANY- OF IT!
HA! NONE AT ALL!
I CANT DO IT. I REALLY CAN'T.
THE END.

I actually have no idea what I'm supposed to write anymore.

This house I hate is not my home.
The rooms I roam are not my own.
The room which I lay in is not right
So I lay awake and I cry at night.
The walls are white, the floors are cold
I wish everything was peeled and old.
I want the walls to look lived in,
I want the floors to look caved in.
I want to live on the ground floor,
I want to have a closing door.
Every place is dismal and small
Nothing belongs to me at all.

I Went To Church This Morning

I went to church this morning
And I sat down in the pews.
I sat through all the hymns,
and I began to think of you.

I wondered what you'd think if you knew that I was here.
I wondered if I was supposed to feel that somehow, God was near.

I went to church this morning,
A yoga-loving Buddhist
Pastor Tony looked at me,
And I knew that he knew this.

I went to church this morning,
and I didn't take Communion.
Forgive me, but the blood of Christ
Is not what I dip my food in.

They played religious music,
then they went up and broke the bread.
I thought I'd be a hypocrite,
so I sat and stared instead.

They had a "crown of thorns".
It was sitting on the table.
They all believed in Jesus.
But me, I wasn't able.

I went to church this morning,
Around my neck, I wore no cross.
I wore a silver aum instead
To support my Eastern cause.

I went to church this morning,
And I listened to them sing.
I only thought of how false it was
And how it didn't mean a thing.

The prayers which they offered forth
Seemed to be falling on deaf ears.
But these people openly admitted
Their sickness, hopes and fears.

Starting their "Our Fathers",
The congregation truly believed
That God was going to help them
If they knelt down on their knees.

I went to church this morning,
And it solidified my belief
That church is not my favorite thing
And brings people no relief.

I went to church this morning,
And I don't believe in God.
I do not care that Jesus
Was nailed upon a cross.

I don't believe in heaven,
I don't think I'll go to hell.
I left the church as I entered
And all was good and well.

Since when is competition the root of all evil?
I'm no capitalist, but I don't think that absolute equality is the way to go.
You know what? You have stupid kids. They're born stupid.
We need stupid people and we need smart people. We do not need everybody inthe world to think that they're as good as the person beside them. Because while they have the same rights and opportunities, they do not have the mental capacity to embrace those opportunities.
There is no reason that people who are different should be "equalized".

I rarely find reason to write anymore.
It's not because I have nothing to write about, god, no.
It's because there are so many things in my head...
That it's really difficult to pull one out and elaborate on it.

Every thought is unoriginal.
I'm fairly sure I've thought all of them before.

This song is so good.
I wish I had the capacity to type out the lyrics.

[Why can't you come out and say it?]

I don't get what I'm doing here. Usually, I can pick my target, hover around it for a couple of days, then make it torturously apparent that I might be interested.
Then, it happens, and that's how it goes. I always get it pretty much all right.
I always make it obvious, but not so obvious that they think they might have a shot.

Right now, I feel stupid and like I'm either making it too obvious or not obvious at all. Or maybe they suspect, but don't care enough to engage.
The designer says I'm a fighter, but I can't feel my fucking legs.

Come out and say it.
Why can't you come out and say it?

Maybe this is a totally stupid idea. Maybe the stigma and the apathy is still there from eighth grade. Maybe it's still like that. Four years later, and we're still in the same place.
But we can't be. We've both grown enough to realize how stupid that is.

And you can only be SO similar to a person that you think is cool and good-looking without actually being interested, right?

The sound of dialogue, translated by a hack...
She still has time to surprise attack.

This year is bizzare. I feel like I'm floating around everything I do, and not actually engaging in it.

Right now I'm totally tuned out because of this song.
But I can't feel my fucking legs.

She still has time to surprise attack.

Why can't you come out and say it?

I know that it's sad
But you know, hah, it's true.
The only reason I stay awake,
is so I can talk to you.

Repetition of stigmas.

I am breaking it. I have broken it. It is broken.

I am fully capable.

My veins are on fire.
I have an incendiary circulatory system.
My blood is in flames.
Make me burn.
There's fire inside me.
Fuck extinguishers.

I have written so many blogs on how I
"feel",
That I'm starting to doubt the fact
that I "feel"
that way.

It was kind of like a bad dream.
I picked up the phone, thought everything was fixed, finally, but in reality, everything was so much worse.
You know that really bad cliche, "walls came tumbling down" or whatever?
It was like that, only it wasn't just walls, it was the floor and the ceiling, too. So I'm left, like, sitting on chairs in my front yard.
I feel completely naked and exposed. I put myself out there. If love were real...
Maybe love is just this fake word for really, really liking somebody. Either way. Maybe I loved him. Maybe I didn't. Either way, that hurt. A lot.
The worst part was when he told me that is was my fault, because he couldn't trust me.
I don't want to be with him again when he's gone. I don't want to be his friend right now. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him to know that he actually affected me, but that crazy part of me wants to demonstrate every single day how much I hate him.
If he would just come back...
I'm just so confused. I hate him.
If he hadn't told me that...
I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know it was this wrong.
I want to cry again.

"Bing Crosby"

I thought of you every day. Every second of every day.
And then after awhile, I stopped.
And then we both stopped.
And now you're going away forever.
And I am not supposed to feel like I want that back.
I know better, I don't like you again. I don't want you back in my life.
It just makes me sad that you're leaving,
And with you,
you're taking a giant piece of my identity.
Every day I thought about you.
You were the center of my attention, you were what I smiled about.
For almost eight months. Do you know how long that is?
Do you remember? You know.
You know every part of me. Or, you did.
Maybe you forgot.
God, that would kill me.
Why? I'm not sure. I still remember all of you.
I remember it every day.
No, I don't want you back.
No, I don't want you back here.
But every time
My eyes well up
And I think, "Christ, this is stupid."
But I can't stop, because I miss how happy I was with you.
Every single time I was with you, at your house, in your room,
At the movies, at school, touching me, touching you
I remember it all, every day, and I remember that I
Was the happiest I've ever been, even if maybe
At the time
I didn't really know that.
And now your heart and your brain,
[God, you're so like me.]
They're taking off and going to [where?]
Vermont, like you said you would.
I'm proud of you. I'm so happy you've grown like you have.
But I will always miss you.
You will always be this weird, locked-up part of me
And I will never have the closure
Needed
To stop crying about it.

I just might kill myself.

Not really. Suicide ain't my gig.

But he's sitting right beside me and I just want to jump in a pool of hot lava and never, ever everevevrevervrvevervevrervr come out.

I hate him so much, and every time I see him with her, I want to puke even though I know he just told me that he loves? loved? loves? me?

maybe he changed his fucking mind.

I hate him. I look so stupid right now. Stupid and stupid.

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

I BET SOME OF YOUR FUCKING STUPID FRIENDS DYED YOUR FUCKING STUPID HAIR YOU LOOK STUPID

One Giant Metaphor

So, in my left hand I've got this seed that I found. And it's growing. Really beautifully.
But, in my right hand, I've got this flower that's taken over a year to blossom. I waited, and it worked.
I can't just throw one of them to the wind. I love them both equally.
I picked both of them, and I'm not sure what to do. There's no way, that, when push comes to shove, I can keep both flowers and put them in a vase together. One might go by before the other. One might stop growing. I can't chance that.
I can't let either of them go. On the left, I have this rare kind of seed, the kind I never see, but the kind that takes a lot of work to maintain. To cultivate. But it's coming along better than I've ever seen. On the right, I've got one of those flowers that goes by quickly, but comes back every year. But it's the most beautiful thing I've ever raised.
If I let the former grow, it could turn into something amazing, huge. But, if I let it grow, I can't give attention to that flower that comes back annually.
If I focus on the latter, there's absolutely no way that seed can survive.
So, for a while, I'm just going to raise both, until a hurricane comes through and rips them both apart, anyway.

I do not not not not not like her.

Bitch.

She condems everyone for all this stuff then does it herself.

You, my dear, are an idiom.
You, sir, are an idiot.
If you were to conceive a baby,
I would suggest you got rid of it.