When I am not in class, do not assume I was with my boyfriend simply because he was not in class.
What are you, fucking stupid? Have you not learned from the last three times you assumed that is isn't true?
The one day I was with him, I was sick and slept at his house all morning.
You are stupid. And for somebody who seems so smart, you truly are the dumbest bitch I've ever met.

Lights come up on ME, being an ASSHOLE.

I hate this place and I just want to leave.

First of all, I want the bitches in the office to - wait, no. Let me rephrase that. The BITCH in the office to leave me alone. When I come in late, it's none of her business. She doesn't know where I was or what I was doing. Somebody needs to fire her or seriously put her in her place. It's not okay to talk about students when they leave the room, especially AROUND OTHER STUDENTS WHO ARE JUST GOING TO TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID.
I can't believe somebody here would be so unprofessional as to talk shit about me when I turn around. My attendance is none of your business. If you were the dean, the principal, my teacher or my mother, then maybe it would be. But since you're not, IT ISN'T.
Second of all, Jeremy is mad at me, I'm pretty sure, because I drop everything and go with Angela. Do you know why I drop everything to go with her? So she doesn't have ammo to use against me later. So she can't say, "Kaylee always runs off with Jeremy" - which she says ANYWAY. I try so frigging hard to be on good terms with her. And yes, when I'm with Jeremy, it makes her angry, which makes her bitchy towards me, which makes me have to deal with her crap. So, I guess it's a selfish thing, but STILL. I can't stop being decent around her. I can't do it, no matter how much she sucks.
Speaking of which, she won't stop giving Jeremy really awful looks and she KNOWS I'm looking. I don't think she understands that what she thinks about him means 0% to me. Unless she's being mean to me about it, I could give two craps about what she thinks about anything she doesn't like. Which is everything. I don't know, I want to move away so I don't have to see her judgmental face anymore.
Plus, tomorrow, Hannah and Jeremy are going to Mihalik's teacher of the year thing, which would be fun to go to, but I haven't been asked to go, and I would feel like such a dill hole asking to go. And no, it's not because Jeremy's going, it's because Jeremy AND Hannah are going, and they are my gym class, and I don't want to be alone in that class with freaking awful freshman boys who try to plough people over.
I never get to see Jeremy. Not enough. Things get in the way. I hate this. I hate this, hate this, hate this. I want to go sleep at his house.
I'm poor. So, so very poor.
And now I'm worried that somebody from the tech department is reading this and is walking down the hall to get me and take away my internet privileges and suspend me. That would happen here, I bet.
Please, fake-God, let this year be over faster.
Shit, now this period is ending and I have to go to anatomy, for which I have not done my homework in weeks.
No wonder administration here hates me.
My mother thinks I'm a whore.
I got rejected from my stop school and haven't told, like, anybody.
I hate this. I want to leave.

Lights rise on two girls standing and talking at a locker SR. One, HANNAH, is talking and making jokes and the other, KAYLA, is laughing at them genuinely. SL, a couple walk on, a boy, DEREK, and a girl, KERRY. They are giggling profusely and walking very slowly hand-in-hand. Several students are attempting to walk past them, but they take up a majority of the hallway and will not speed up or pay attention to anyone else. HANNAH takes notice of this.

HANNAH
Jesus Christ, you'd think they could leave each other alone for two seconds and realize that people like to fucking walk in the hallway.

KAYLA
I know. I'm so sick of people like that. I see them everywhere. I was on my way to geometry and I saw at LEAST four couples with their tongues down each others' throats.

HANNAH
It's disgusting! Look at them. Kerry used to be one of my favorite people. I haven't seen her leave her boyfriend's side for three minutes since they got together, what, a month ago? When she gets out of French with me, he's standing there waiting. She walks to and from every class with him, except they don't walk, they amble like fucking cows. And if that wasn't enough, they stand outside the classroom making out before and after they leave.

KAYLA
[Shaking her head]
I'll never understand people like that.

HANNAH
It's simple. When people get boyfriends, they apparently start to suck.

KAYLA
[Looking at KERRY and DEREK making out against a locker]
No shit.

HANNAH
It's pretty much inevitable. I am so sick of the way people act when they're coupled.

KERRY and DEREK walk giggling offstage. HANNAH and KAYLA stare after them disgustedly.

HANNAH
[Turning back to KAYLA]
Anyway, now that that's over, do you want to hang out at my house on Saturday?

KAYLA
Sure. Oh, wait, crap. I have a rehearsal. [Pause] Eh, whatever. I'll come over after.

They continue silent dialogue as HANNAH pulls thing out of her locker and puts them in her bag. Just then, two more people walk on SL talking. A girl, GEORGIA, and a boy, DARIUS, are in conversation. They are arguing amicably.

DARIUS
I'm just saying, I don't have much faith in humanity when it comes to that kind of thing.

GEORGIA
I guess I don't either, but it just sounds so... so fricking pessimistic when you put it like that!

DARIUS
[Not angry, trying to be persuasive, level-headed]
You can't trust peoples' motives like that. It's just not practical. It won't get you anywhere!

GEORGIA
[Rolling her eyes, friendly]
I guess. Argh, psychology class always puts me in such a "let's questioning-humanity!" mood.

They stop beside a locker and continue talking, dialogue silent as KAYLA and HANNAH resume. NOTE: They are not touching each other as KERRY and DEREK were.

HANNAH
[Eying GEORGIA]
Oh, Jesus. I don't want to deal with her right now.

KAYLA
[Confused]
Georgie? Or Darius?

HANNAH
Either of them. They're the same person.

KAYLA
[Raising an eyebrow]
What?

HANNAH
[Sarcastic]
Oh, didn't you know? They're a couple, too. The bestest, cutest boyfriend-girlfriend pair you ever did see. It makes me fucking sick, considering the way Darius used to be.

KAYLA
Yeah, but wasn't that a long time ago?

HANNAH
Not that long.

KAYLA
Still. He doesn't still do that, does he?

HANNAH
[Defensive]
I wouldn't know, I haven't talked to him. I don't make a habit of re-befriending people that ditched me for their girlfriends.

KAYLA
[Wrinkling her nose]
I hated Darius and Emily together.

HANNAH
Jesus, I don't know why anybody would want to be with him. He's... he's scum, seriously, he's full of it. He ditched his friends for her, too.

They stop and look at DARIUS and GEORGIA, who are still arguing about the intent of humankind silently.

KAYLA
[Cocking her head]
Are you sure they're together?

HANNAH
Yeah. I asked her to hang out the other night, she just got all giddy and stupid-sounding and said she was sleeping over at Darius'.

KAYLA
Oh, god. Are they sleeping together?

HANNAH
Probably.

KAYLA
Ick.

HANNAH
I wouldn't put it past her. She'd probably throw everything to the wind because of him. People do that.

KAYLA
Probably.

DARIUS pulls GEORGIA into a quick, one-armed hug with his free hand [the other is full of books].

DARIUS
See you after school.

GEORGIA
[Smiling]
Laaaater.

GEORGIA stands there for a minute smiling, then walks a little further up, kneels on the ground, drops her bag and begins opening a bottom locker. Lights dim on her side of the stage.

HANNAH
[Mocking]
Oh, look, they're apart.

KAYLA
I guess I didn't even notice. Now that I think about it, I haven't really seen Georgia much lately.

HANNAH
She's probably off having sex with Darius. [Kayla snorts at this] No joke.

KAYLA
[Still laughing]
You know, if I didn't know you better, I'd say you sounded a little jealous.

HANNAH
[Taken aback]
What?! Of Georgia, or of Darius?!

KAYLA
[Shrugging, still joking and laughing]
I dunno, either.

HANNAH
No, stop. Stop! [Kayla stops laughing] I'm not jealous.

KAYLA
I know.

HANNAH
Then why did you say it?

KAYLA
[Raising an eyebrow]
It... it just sounded like that, that's all.

HANNAH
[Dismissive, angry]
That's fucking stupid. I get jealous when I see a cute pair of shoes on someone ugly. I get jealous when my brother gets twenty bucks for the weekend and I don't. I don't get jealous when a friend of mine decides to start acting like a douche bag.

KAYLA
[Shaking her head, snorting]
Okay, jeez, Hannah. Calm down. I'm late for AP, I've got to go.

HANNAH
Yeah, whatever. Later.

Lights down. Lights rise on a GUIDANCE office. GEORGIA sits with MS. PRATT, her guidance counselor. They are sorting through papers.

MS. PRATT
So, Georgia, know where you're going yet?

GEORGIA
[Holding hands up to head]
Ahh, I have no idea. I've only heard back from three places.

PRATT
Which?

GEORGIA
Uhh... Notre Dame, John's Hopkins and Syracuse.

PRATT
And?

GEORGIA
[Shrugging]
I only got into Syracuse.

PRATT
Ahh, Georgia, I'm sorry. I know you wanted Hopkins.

GEORGIA
It's alright. Anyway, I think I might go to Syracuse. Darius - you know Darius - he might be going to Cornell, so that's be cool if we were close.

PRATT
[Filling out forms, distracted]
Darius, he's your boyfriend?

GEORGIA
Yeah.

PRATT
Well, it's good that you're not depending on him. A lot of people go to a college only because their boyfriend or girlfriend's going, and when it doesn't work out, they resent the fact. I'm glad you're independent with your choices.

GEORGIA
[Half-smiling]
Ha, yeah.

PRATT
[Still distracted]
You look tired. Sleeping alright?

GEORGIA
[Picking at nails]
[Sigh] No.

PRATT
Is everything okay? Late nights, or what?

GEORGIA
Sometimes, but it's not just the hours. Even when I sleep enough, I can't...I can't wake up. I can't get to bed. I don't know.

PRATT
Is it college?

GEORGIA
No, it's...everything. I don't know.

PRATT
Darius?

GEORGIA
God, no, he's - he's fine, I just - I don't know. I'm really overwhelmed. It's - it's my parents, and school, and I keep having these weird...I don't know. I think they're panic attacks. I get them all the time, between classes - sometimes even in classes, I just have to keep my head down or people think I'm freaking out or something.

PRATT
[Alarmed]
Have you seen a doctor? Or a psychologist?

GEORGIA
My parents wouldn't take me. They don't... they don't really believe in that stuff.

PRATT
There's nothing to believe, Georgia. Panic attacks are a real problem. You need to see someone.

GEORGIA
Yeah...

PRATT
Georgia?

GEORGIA
Yeah?

PRATT
Can you promise me you'll see someone?

GEORGIA
[Pause]
I really can't. I just...I don't have the resources. My parents - ah. I don't know. I- I have a lot of stuff to do, I don't have time. I'll try, I'm sorry.

PRATT
It's important that you see someone. Panic attacks aren't a part of life, Georgia, they're a real problem. If you don't take care of them, they can really take control. And that's something you don't want, believe me.

GEORGIA
Yeah. I'm sorry, Ms. Pratt, I really have to go, I'm going to miss AP.

She rushes out the door, leaving a binder on MS. PRATT's desk. MS. PRATT begins to call after her, but she is gone, so she holds onto the binder, looking distressed. She sets it aside, goes back to filling out forms for a short beat, then looks back at the binder, gets up and walks out with it.
Lights up on DARIUS' house. DARIUS lays on the couch, GEORGIA lays sprawled upside-down across Darius, half on the floor, with her arm in a half-tipped bowl of popcorn. There is another couch, but they are full of school books and assorted junk. DARIUS is twisting and braiding her hair.

GEORGIA
[Reaches for a handful of popcorn, but tips the bowl over. She burps, laughing.]
Hey, don't knot it, I need that.

DARIUS
[Playfully]
Need what?

GEORGIA
My hair!

DARIUS
[Dramatically]
Oh, thou art vain.

GEORGIA
[Punching him in the side]
Shut up, Darius.

Beat.

DARIUS
[Raising an eyebrow]
So, Hannah knows we're together?

GEORGIA
[Turning around]
Of course, she's...she's my best friend, I told her a long time ago. Why?

DARIUS
Just wondering. She's been pretty cool towards me lately.

GEORGIA
Eh, she's like that.

DARIUS
Why, though?

GEORGIA
I dunno. I'm kind of just used to it.

DARIUS
Ah.

Silence.

GEORGIA
Hey, Darius?

DARIUS
[Eyes closed]
Mm?

GEORGIA
Ever had a panic attack?

DARIUS
[Pause]
Once, I think.

GEORGIA
Oh.

Silence.

DARIUS
Georgie, are you okay?

GEORGIA
[Sliding down to sit on the floor cross-legged]
Yeah, I guess. I just...

DARIUS
[Sitting up]
Just what?

GEORGIA
[Getting progessively more upset, should start crying near the end in frustration]
I think I've been having them for awhile and people keep telling me I should see a doctor but my parents will never let that happen and - Jesus, I'm so stressed out and I can't stop thinking about how much I have to do and I don't want to scare you or anything but sometimes I get so overwhelmed I think I'm going to take all my hair and yank it out and - and eat it!

She buries her face in her hands, practically hyperventilating.
Darius almost starts laughing, smiles instead and pulls her into a hug on the floor.

Georgia looks up.

GEORGIA
[Wiping eyes, smiling]
It's not funny, you ass!

DARIUS
I know it's not. [He puts his hands on her shoulders] Just - calm down, Georgie, take a breath. You have to take this stuff one step at a time. If you need to see a doctor, I'll take you. Just - tell me what you need, I want to help in any way I can.

GEORGIA
[Pause] You do help.

GEORGIA and DARIUS look at each other for a minute. GEORGIA laughs and wipes at her eyes and nose. She hugs DARIUS. Lights go down.

Lights come up on GEORGIA and HANNAH sitting next to each other in class. Several desks are set up in rows. Sitting beside GEORGIA are HANNAH and BRIAN, a skinny boy with black hair. Sitting beside HANNAH are KAYLA and GEORGIA. DARIUS is visible in the second row, far from HANNAH, KAYLA, GEORGIA and BRIAN. MRS. DOUGLAS, a thin older woman, it writing at her desk, occasionally looking up at the students, who are taking a quiz. There is a beat where BRIAN, HANNAH and KAYLA finish their quizzes and walk up to the front of the room to put them on MRS. DOUGLAS' desk. GEORGIA is still working. Some students begin talking quietly.

HANNAH
[To Kayla]
I fucking hate history. I'm never going to take a history elective in college. Ever.

KAYLA
Ha, I probably will. I think they frown on lawyers not taking social studies classes.

HANNAH
[Almost haughty]
History isn't the same as social studies.

KAYLA
I know, but, you know. Same.

HANNAH
No, not the same, that's my point.

MRS. DOUGLAS
[Looking up]
Guys, make sure you stay quiet, some people are still finishing their quiz.

KAYLA
[Almost accidental]
Who?

GEORGIA
[Raising hand quickly]
Me, I'm almost done, though. Don't mind me. I've got, like, two questions left.

KAYLA and HANNAH exchange a quick look. A beat passes where GEORGIA too finishes and passes in her quiz.

MRS. DOUGLAS
[With some humor]
Alright, that shouldn't have been too hard, so hopefully you all passed. You'll need those grades to balance out the complete atrocity that was your Roosevelt quiz. [Most people groan or look agonized, BRIAN leans to GEORGIA and whispers, "I got a ten"] Anyway, I've got to go photocopy the tests for next week. I'll be back in a minute. And for God's sakes, don't do anything while I'm gone.

She exits. The class begins talking, doodling, pulling out iPods, etc.

KAYLA
[Leaning over]
Georgie, how did you do?

GEORGIA
[Putting hands over face]
Fucking awful! I didn't study at all, I think I did worse on this one than the Roosevelt one.

KAYLA
Eesh.

HANNAH
[Ears perking up, turning around]
Why didn't you study?

GEORGIA
[Shrugging]
I dunno, I kind of just got home and crashed last night.

Pause.

KAYLA
[Curiously, innocently]
Hangin' out with Darius?

GEORGIA
Well, yeah, for a little while, but I got home and I was still really tired.

KAYLA
Ohh.

HANNAH
[Singsong, quietly]
Should have stu-died.

GEORGIA
[Looking taken aback]
Yeah... probably.

A beat passes. DARIUS gets GEORGIA's attention, all the while KAYLA and HANNAH are watching their conversation critically.

DARIUS
Hey, do you want to hang out Sunday?

GEORGIA
[Thinking]
Yeah, sure.

DARIUS
[Lowering voice]
You feeling any better?

GEORGIA
[Grinning]
Yeah, much better. Thanks.

HANNAH makes a face.

HANNAH
[To herself, kind of]
Maybe she wouldn't be tired if she didn't hang out with you all the time.

DARIUS
[Glancing up]
What?

GEORGIA
That's not why. My sleep isn't great anymore, you know that.

HANNAH
How would I know that? Like you talk to me anymore.

GEORGIA
I talk to you all the time.

HANNAH
Not about anything real.

GEORGIA
That's because you don't want to listen to me! Jesus, don't pin this on me, it's just as much your fault as mine.

HANNAH
Right. It's my fault that you have a shitty boyfriend and never leave his side.

GEORGIA
[Angry]
What are you talking about? I hardly ever get to see him. Between rehearsal, and the few times I hang out with you, and hanging out with other people and work and class - are you kidding me? Are you serious? And don't start LECTURING me about why I'm tired; you have no idea!

HANNAH
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want everybody to stop talking to you because of him?

GEORGIA
...Hannah, that doesn't even make sense.

HANNAH
Yeah, it does. You're just not willing to listen. If you would listen to me, you would get why I don't like hanging out with you anymore. It's Darius this, Darius that.

GEORGIA
I never talk about him with you. I know you don't like him. [To herself] Although I don't get WHY...

DARIUS
Guys...

HANNAH
[Spinning around]
Oh my god, you are the last person who needs to get involved with this. [Turning back] I don't care what you don't say. If you don't say something you're thinking, it doesn't make it not true. I know you think about him all the time. I can't talk to you about anything... anything of substance anymore, because you're different. You're thinking about him, and it sucks. You're a sucky person for it. And I know I'm being bitchy and snarky and I know you like him, but you make me sick. Every time I see you, you make me sick.

GEORGIA
[Looks angry. Stares at the desk. A long beat passes.]

HANNAH
What, you've stopped talking to me? Oh well, that's nothing new.

GEORGIA
[Voice flat]
No, Hannah. I just don't know what you expect me to say to that. [Pause] I make you sick? Is that your argument against me?

HANNAH
I'm sorry, that's just what I think.

GEORGIA
[Outraged, truly mean for the first time; everyone is staring now, or trying not to]
You've done this to me every time I've ever been with someone. Since the fourth grade. FOURTH GRADE, HANNAH! What, are you afraid that people are going to leave you forever for their boyfriends? [Standing up] Did your mother neglect you growing up because she had a new fiancee? No. I know that didn't happen, because I know you too well. You're my best friend. Or, you were. You know, in psych, I'm learning about stages of childhood development that make people the way they are. There's nothing in your past that would make you this way. I know. I've been there for all of it. I think you forget that sometimes. I have been there for you through EVERYTHING. And even now, I'd still be there for you. Just because all of my spare time isn't time with YOU doesn't mean I don't like you anymore. It doesn't mean he's all I think about. It definitely doesn't mean I don't care about you.
And yeah, I think about him a lot. Want to know why? Because I'm seeing him. Forgive me, but I was under the impression that it was good to be crazy about the person you're with. And I hear all the comments you make. I hear every shitty remark you make about my so-called sex life. I hear every mean thing you say about me that isn't true. Everything gets back to me. I hear every-single-word! It's all your bitchy speculation, and it hurts. You're mean. You are a MEAN PERSON. But you know what, Hannah? If there's no reason your like this, and you would actually treat somebody you care about like this, I can't care that our friendship has turned to crap. If this is the way you act about your "best friend" having a boyfriend, I would hate to see your best friend do anything... anything that would offend a normal person. I would hate to see you have a boyfriend of your own.

HANNAH
[Scoffing]
That will never happen. I will never act like you do with him.

GEORGIA
[With conviction, finality]
Of course. It's not because you're better than me, though. It's because I know that no person will ever look at you and think you're the kind of person they want to be around for the rest of their lives. [Pause] I can't see anyone wanting to be around you now. I don't.

She sits down. DARIUS stares at her nervously.

HANNAH bites her lip.
MRS. DOUGLAS walks back into the room holding a stack of papers and a cup of coffee. She looks at the room, sensing something is wrong. Setting the papers down, she sits back down at the desk and begins stapling them uneasily. Blackout

Lights rise on the classroom again. It is apparent that time has passed. GEORGIA sits next to an empty chair where KAYLA was, and BRIAN. DARIUS has moved closer to GEORGIA. KAYLA and HANNAH have moved one seat away from GEORGIA, leaving the gap. All students write for a beat. KAYLA and HANNAH exchange a brief look, then KAYLA glances at GEORGIA. Lights go down.

Lights rise on the classroom again. KAYLA has moved back next to GEORGIA, but HANNAH has moved another seat over, sitting next to someone else. KAYLA, GEORGIA and BRIAN sit next to eachother, DARIUS remains close, but not next to them. Lights go down.

Lights half-rise on the lockers from the beginning scene. The hallway is mostly dark. GEORGIA bursts out of a classroom door, crying and breathing heavily. She sits down, teetering, and sits with her knees drawn to her chest. She tries to control her breathing until she begins to calm down. MS. PRATT walks onstage briskly, seeing Georgia, and sits down beside her.
Beat.
Georgia becomes calm.

MS. PRATT
Mrs. Douglas called me.

GEORGIA
I figured.

MS. PRATT
Have you seen a doctor?

GEORGIA
I did.

MS. PRATT
Are they getting any better?

GEORGIA
This is my first one all month.

MS. PRATT
Oh, good. I was worrying about you, you know. What changed?

GEORGIA
Ha... not much, I guess. I don't know.

MS. PRATT
How are you?

GEORGIA
Better, actually. A lot better. I dunno, some things have just gotten cleared up, I think. For the better.

MS. PRATT
That's good. I've got to run. Are you okay for now?

GEORGIA
Yeah, I'm fine. I'll get back to class in a minute. I think I should probably go to the bathroom first, I must look crazy.

MS. PRATT
[Smiling]
Only a little. Take as long as you need.

MS. PRATT gets up and walks offstage, casting a glance back at GEORGIA.
Georgia gets up and walks offstage.
Lights go down.
Half-lights come back up on the hallway.
HANNAH bursts out of an opposite off-stage door (than GEORGIA did). She is obviously in the middle of a panic attack, and she is crying and hyperventilating. She slouches down in front of GEORGIA'S locker [unintentionally] and cries for awhile. MS. PRATT comes out of the same offstage classroom, headed in the opposite direction, but hears HANNAH and turns around.

PRATT
Hannah? Are you okay?

HANNAH
[Crying]
Yeah - just - give me a minute.

PRATT
What happened?

HANNAH
Nothing, they - it just happens. All the time.

PRATT
How long?

HANNAH
[Still crying]
About a month.

PRATT
I have to go give these papers to Mrs. Douglas, but I'll be back in one second. Don't go anywhere, okay?

HANNAH nods. MS. PRATT enters MRS. DOUGLAS' door, it closes.
HANNAH continues crying against the locker.
Blackout.

Dear "God",

Please let my brain come back.

Love,
One of your Nonbelievers

I am worried
every second
of every day
that what I am saying
or thinking
is made-up.

I know I'm happy
but I
don't understand
why.

I want to hit you so badly. I want to knock your tiny little baby teeth out of your fat head.
I want to rip apart everything you stand for
Today you condescended somebody for handling raw meat
You are so full of shit, you know.
You haven't had a relationship in three years
It's not because nobody is good enough
It's because nobody likes you.
You fucking stupid, hypocritical bitch.
I deserve better.

It it bad that
EVERY second of EVERY day
I want your hands on me?
Is it bad that
I started crying because
I thought of us going to college in different places?

...I think it's bad that
When I'm standing next to you
I don't think of anything except
Your tongue in my mouth.

Is that bad?
I want it to be.

I CAN'T DO THIS
I CAN'T DO THIS AT ALL.
I HAVE TO STOP
AND I HAVE TO CRY.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS
WHEN I CAN'T
DO ONE
ASSIGNMENT
WITHOUT GETTING OVERWHELMED
AND CRYING BECAUSE
I DON'T WANT TO READ GIANT DOCUMENTS
ABOUT JACKSONIAN DEMOCRACY
BECAUSE I'M TOO TIRED
BUT I PROMISED HER AND I LIED AND SAID
I HAD MOST OF IT DONE BUT I DON'T
I DON'T UNDERSTAND -ANY- OF IT!
HA! NONE AT ALL!
I CANT DO IT. I REALLY CAN'T.
THE END.

I actually have no idea what I'm supposed to write anymore.

This house I hate is not my home.
The rooms I roam are not my own.
The room which I lay in is not right
So I lay awake and I cry at night.
The walls are white, the floors are cold
I wish everything was peeled and old.
I want the walls to look lived in,
I want the floors to look caved in.
I want to live on the ground floor,
I want to have a closing door.
Every place is dismal and small
Nothing belongs to me at all.

I Went To Church This Morning

I went to church this morning
And I sat down in the pews.
I sat through all the hymns,
and I began to think of you.

I wondered what you'd think if you knew that I was here.
I wondered if I was supposed to feel that somehow, God was near.

I went to church this morning,
A yoga-loving Buddhist
Pastor Tony looked at me,
And I knew that he knew this.

I went to church this morning,
and I didn't take Communion.
Forgive me, but the blood of Christ
Is not what I dip my food in.

They played religious music,
then they went up and broke the bread.
I thought I'd be a hypocrite,
so I sat and stared instead.

They had a "crown of thorns".
It was sitting on the table.
They all believed in Jesus.
But me, I wasn't able.

I went to church this morning,
Around my neck, I wore no cross.
I wore a silver aum instead
To support my Eastern cause.

I went to church this morning,
And I listened to them sing.
I only thought of how false it was
And how it didn't mean a thing.

The prayers which they offered forth
Seemed to be falling on deaf ears.
But these people openly admitted
Their sickness, hopes and fears.

Starting their "Our Fathers",
The congregation truly believed
That God was going to help them
If they knelt down on their knees.

I went to church this morning,
And it solidified my belief
That church is not my favorite thing
And brings people no relief.

I went to church this morning,
And I don't believe in God.
I do not care that Jesus
Was nailed upon a cross.

I don't believe in heaven,
I don't think I'll go to hell.
I left the church as I entered
And all was good and well.

Since when is competition the root of all evil?
I'm no capitalist, but I don't think that absolute equality is the way to go.
You know what? You have stupid kids. They're born stupid.
We need stupid people and we need smart people. We do not need everybody inthe world to think that they're as good as the person beside them. Because while they have the same rights and opportunities, they do not have the mental capacity to embrace those opportunities.
There is no reason that people who are different should be "equalized".

I rarely find reason to write anymore.
It's not because I have nothing to write about, god, no.
It's because there are so many things in my head...
That it's really difficult to pull one out and elaborate on it.

Every thought is unoriginal.
I'm fairly sure I've thought all of them before.

This song is so good.
I wish I had the capacity to type out the lyrics.

[Why can't you come out and say it?]

I don't get what I'm doing here. Usually, I can pick my target, hover around it for a couple of days, then make it torturously apparent that I might be interested.
Then, it happens, and that's how it goes. I always get it pretty much all right.
I always make it obvious, but not so obvious that they think they might have a shot.

Right now, I feel stupid and like I'm either making it too obvious or not obvious at all. Or maybe they suspect, but don't care enough to engage.
The designer says I'm a fighter, but I can't feel my fucking legs.

Come out and say it.
Why can't you come out and say it?

Maybe this is a totally stupid idea. Maybe the stigma and the apathy is still there from eighth grade. Maybe it's still like that. Four years later, and we're still in the same place.
But we can't be. We've both grown enough to realize how stupid that is.

And you can only be SO similar to a person that you think is cool and good-looking without actually being interested, right?

The sound of dialogue, translated by a hack...
She still has time to surprise attack.

This year is bizzare. I feel like I'm floating around everything I do, and not actually engaging in it.

Right now I'm totally tuned out because of this song.
But I can't feel my fucking legs.

She still has time to surprise attack.

Why can't you come out and say it?

I know that it's sad
But you know, hah, it's true.
The only reason I stay awake,
is so I can talk to you.

Repetition of stigmas.

I am breaking it. I have broken it. It is broken.

I am fully capable.

My veins are on fire.
I have an incendiary circulatory system.
My blood is in flames.
Make me burn.
There's fire inside me.
Fuck extinguishers.

I have written so many blogs on how I
"feel",
That I'm starting to doubt the fact
that I "feel"
that way.

It was kind of like a bad dream.
I picked up the phone, thought everything was fixed, finally, but in reality, everything was so much worse.
You know that really bad cliche, "walls came tumbling down" or whatever?
It was like that, only it wasn't just walls, it was the floor and the ceiling, too. So I'm left, like, sitting on chairs in my front yard.
I feel completely naked and exposed. I put myself out there. If love were real...
Maybe love is just this fake word for really, really liking somebody. Either way. Maybe I loved him. Maybe I didn't. Either way, that hurt. A lot.
The worst part was when he told me that is was my fault, because he couldn't trust me.
I don't want to be with him again when he's gone. I don't want to be his friend right now. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him to know that he actually affected me, but that crazy part of me wants to demonstrate every single day how much I hate him.
If he would just come back...
I'm just so confused. I hate him.
If he hadn't told me that...
I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know it was this wrong.
I want to cry again.

"Bing Crosby"

I thought of you every day. Every second of every day.
And then after awhile, I stopped.
And then we both stopped.
And now you're going away forever.
And I am not supposed to feel like I want that back.
I know better, I don't like you again. I don't want you back in my life.
It just makes me sad that you're leaving,
And with you,
you're taking a giant piece of my identity.
Every day I thought about you.
You were the center of my attention, you were what I smiled about.
For almost eight months. Do you know how long that is?
Do you remember? You know.
You know every part of me. Or, you did.
Maybe you forgot.
God, that would kill me.
Why? I'm not sure. I still remember all of you.
I remember it every day.
No, I don't want you back.
No, I don't want you back here.
But every time
My eyes well up
And I think, "Christ, this is stupid."
But I can't stop, because I miss how happy I was with you.
Every single time I was with you, at your house, in your room,
At the movies, at school, touching me, touching you
I remember it all, every day, and I remember that I
Was the happiest I've ever been, even if maybe
At the time
I didn't really know that.
And now your heart and your brain,
[God, you're so like me.]
They're taking off and going to [where?]
Vermont, like you said you would.
I'm proud of you. I'm so happy you've grown like you have.
But I will always miss you.
You will always be this weird, locked-up part of me
And I will never have the closure
Needed
To stop crying about it.

I just might kill myself.

Not really. Suicide ain't my gig.

But he's sitting right beside me and I just want to jump in a pool of hot lava and never, ever everevevrevervrvevervevrervr come out.

I hate him so much, and every time I see him with her, I want to puke even though I know he just told me that he loves? loved? loves? me?

maybe he changed his fucking mind.

I hate him. I look so stupid right now. Stupid and stupid.

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

I BET SOME OF YOUR FUCKING STUPID FRIENDS DYED YOUR FUCKING STUPID HAIR YOU LOOK STUPID

One Giant Metaphor

So, in my left hand I've got this seed that I found. And it's growing. Really beautifully.
But, in my right hand, I've got this flower that's taken over a year to blossom. I waited, and it worked.
I can't just throw one of them to the wind. I love them both equally.
I picked both of them, and I'm not sure what to do. There's no way, that, when push comes to shove, I can keep both flowers and put them in a vase together. One might go by before the other. One might stop growing. I can't chance that.
I can't let either of them go. On the left, I have this rare kind of seed, the kind I never see, but the kind that takes a lot of work to maintain. To cultivate. But it's coming along better than I've ever seen. On the right, I've got one of those flowers that goes by quickly, but comes back every year. But it's the most beautiful thing I've ever raised.
If I let the former grow, it could turn into something amazing, huge. But, if I let it grow, I can't give attention to that flower that comes back annually.
If I focus on the latter, there's absolutely no way that seed can survive.
So, for a while, I'm just going to raise both, until a hurricane comes through and rips them both apart, anyway.